Dan Rather surely must have thought that he would be the first of many in the 'mainstream' media to enthusiastically endorse Bill Clinton's book. He charged forward like Braveheart, calling out exuberantly: "FIVE STARS! FIVE STARS!"
Sensing something was amiss, Rather looked back to see that the rest of the army had not budged. With an earnest look on his face, he tried again: "FIVE STARS!"
Still, the rest of the army held back.
"What's the matter with everyone?" he demanded. "Our marching orders are clear!"
"Clear, did you say?" came a voice from the ranks. "Did you actually read the thing?"
"It goes on and on and on without delivering much substance," said Orlando Sentinel.
"Yeah," agreed USA Today. "It wasn't great. It wasn't even good."
"You've got to be kidding me," Rather fumed. Looking around, finally he spotted New York Times, who had few peers in its loyalty to The Cause. "What about you?"
"Well... ummm." Times would not look Rather in the eyes. "To be brutally frank, I found it sloppy, self-indulgent and often eye-crossingly dull."
"Dull doesn't even begin to describe it," called out Associated Press. "Reading it was more like being locked in a small room with a very gregarious man who insists on reading his entire appointment book day-by-day beginning in 1946!"
Too late, Rather understood that he had jumped the gun, not realizing until now that the beloved General Clinton was falling out of favor with the army. They served The Cause, and after years of blind loyalty it was becoming clear even to them that the general served only himself.
Although he had chosen poorly, Rather would never subject himself to the humiliation of retreating back to the battle line. So, he faced forward once again, steeled himself, and charged, yelling "FIVE STARS! FIVE STARS!" as he disappeared into the mist.
(Credit: Neal Boortz for assembling the quotes. Quotes in italics are verbatim; others are paraphrased.)
2 comments:
Why anyone watches that blowhard Dan Rather is beyond my comprehension. That he could give Bill Clinton's book five stars means that he had never even read the book before he shot his mouth off. And still he prospers, for all that: a publisher that probably could heat its offices with a furnace fed by all the perfectly good manuscripts that come in over their transom that they routinely reject, publishes an incredible nine hundred fifty-seven pages of the most turgid, self-pitying eye-glaze that anyone ever was foolish enough to put between two book covers. Go figure.
Why anyone watches that blowhard Dan Rather is beyond my comprehension. That he could give Bill Clinton's book five stars means that he had never even read the book before he shot his mouth off. And still he prospers, for all that: a publisher that probably could heat its offices with a furnace fed by all the perfectly good manuscripts that come in over their transom that they routinely reject, publishes an incredible nine hundred fifty-seven pages of the most turgid, self-pitying eye-glaze that anyone ever was foolish enough to put between two book covers. Go figure.
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